Real talk: Fear

Photo Ⓒ Brad Trone

 

There is one positive thing about spending an afternoon in tears. For me, like many, my eyes get puffy after a tear fest but for some miraculous reason they look good, the puffiness makes my eyes pop in a way that feels like it’s the worlds tiny gift for my emotions.

I had a really rough day yesterday and it left me wondering about so, so many things. If I’m normally introspective and adrift in my own thoughts when I cry and am emotional it’s about 10 times more intense.

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about anxiety and how for me it’s so very rooted in fear. It steams from fear of certain things and causes fear, sometimes debilitating fear. I read that when we are experiencing fear that most important thing to do is to act. We need to just move forward with any kind of action because fear itself causes idleness.

I’m so scared of idleness, of the thought of complacency that sometimes I can’t move forward. It’s so hypocritical. I’m so hypocritical. I’ve realized that I’m so stunned with my own fear of not achieving that I’m … not achieving. I’m not really giving things 100%. I’m merely preoccupying myself.

I am the master at filling my minutes, hours and days with the busy work of life and accepting the busyness as achievement. Conquering busy doesn’t deserve an award or our whole society would get one.

It takes so much guts to go after what you want especially as a twenty something year old who really has no idea what they are looking for. I envy those people who seem like it all just clicked so early for them. I could fake it and make it seem like my world has clicked for me, but it hasn’t. I’m reminded in this season of my life that things take time. Time takes time. To each there own. Persistence, loyalty, joy and dedication matter more in the long run then how quick you found your finish line.

Can I just repeat that to myself 342 times a day… “Persistence, loyalty, joy and dedication matter more in the long run then how quick you found your finish line”

Two other phrases that have been helping me out this month are “get okay with it” and “destiny is demanding”.

I need the reminder that life isn’t peaches and rainbows it’s about hard work strung together with humility and grace. Say yes to more of the right things, stop hanging out with negative people, be more in the moment, cook good food, sleep enough, take long walks, ask questions and have goals. I’m trusting the rest will just fall into place when it’s supposed. The timing of life is just that, the timing of life and I just want to set aside my fear and be up for the surprise.

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