Today is the first day of spring for 2015 and I feel old. I remember being told as an 8 year old that once you grow up time ‘flys’ by. I didn’t believe it at the time but they weren’t lying. In some ways I honestly don’t know how it’s not still 2010. I have distinct memories of writing my name, class period and the year as 1997 on school papers. I have distinct memories of sitting in front of a window in 1st grade and feeling the hot New Mexico air blow against me and feeling like the most bored child alive. I have distinct memories of counting ceiling tiles to pass the time sitting outside and literally staring at the clouds for an afternoon. I have distinct memories of not needing to be anywhere and also not being ‘reachable’ by anyone. No e-mails or text messages or facebooks….
I have distinct memories where it felt like time stood still and now I crave those moments in my mind and wish I found more of them in my daily life.
I’ve been thinking about spring and what spring means in a literal way and in a spiritual way. Lately I’ve just felt the need to grow, to keep learning and keep trying to evolve into a better version of myself. Spring seems like the perfect time to act on that, it’s a transitional season meant to bring awareness and new life. Doesn’t the shedding of ‘old’ things sound so nice? It does to me, if anything I’m most really most passionate about knowing myself and growing as a person and right now more than anything I want to be taking steps towards that.
I feel an enormous need to settle my mind and make more time for myself, for my long drawn out thought process to really percolate and come to some conclusions and actions. For a long time I’ve resented my introvertedness and my need to sit with a question for a long period of time before formulating my well thought out answer… but lately (and by lately I mean in the last week) I’ve realized what a great gift that is and how I should work harder to honor that quality in myself – to just allow myself more time. I’ve never really grapsed what honoring yourself meant until the last few weeks. I guess we all learn things at our own pace.
I’m the type of person who never had to really learn what ‘boundaries’ were. I just had them.
I’m the type of person who never had to really learn what ‘inside voices’ were. I was just quite.
I’m the type of person who never had to be instructed in ‘social politeness’. I was just overly polite.
I’m the type of person who was told every day to 1. Smile 2. Raise my hand and 3. Ask questions. I’ve always been entirely too reserved for American culture.
Too stuck in my head and not bubbly enough, it’s made me hate those parts of myself sometimes and not understand why I felt so unlike other people. It’s the coolest feeling to just know that deep down it’s just who you are and it’s okay… it’s okay to take the time… it’s okay to retreat and make some more space for yourself and your thoughts. I’ve realized that when I allow myself these things I’m just a better human being; I’m more confident and more patient with others.
It’s a truly unique and inspiring thing to figure yourself out little by little and then honor those pieces of you and along the way find people who honor it too. So, while I feel old and a little panicked about making sure my life is a ‘success’ I’m so comforted by the start of spring this year. I’m reminded that things take time and that after the dormant season of death renewal comes. Finding yourself, creating yourself and your life it’s difficult, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m reminded now more than ever that hard work pays off.