Hi, let’s get real for a minute (or 5):
I have a few things to share. It’s a total mix of positive and negative, random and relevant.
But, the good news first. I got a new job! I start on the 20th and I’m thrilled it’s one of those things that I feel really excited about- like maybe one of the only times I’ve felt challenged and excited about a job opportunity. I’m only 27 so I’m hoping it’s okay to just feel something like this now. It actually strangely enough reminds me of 10th grade Biology, where my teacher- Dr. Cox told me “Britt (my maiden name) you make good grades and don’t really try, you really need to apply yourself, if you apply yourself then I’d really be impressed.” When he said this to me then I was offended and I totally blew it off because my life was basically about grades and mine were great with minimal effort. So, like what’s the issue? I’ve thought about that exact phrase he said numerous times throughout my life and it’s only recently (as in the two weeks) that I feel like it really clicked for me. I think what Dr. Cox was saying was really about my intention and passion in what I was doing. He knew I didn’t really care. He knew I wasn’t committed, that my mind was really anywhere but where it needed to be.
He could see that I wasn’t super interested in what I was doing and while I was still able to succeed- it wasn’t enough. He could see that if I was able to apply more of myself and found even a little passion or focused intention in my ‘work’ I’d be so much more satisfied and in a way successful. Boom right?! Ha, well at least for me it’s been a pretty eye opening realization. So all that to say- that’s how I feel now. I feel committed, focused and challenged in a very exciting way and this is a new feeling for me. It may just be that happy honeymoon period but I hope it’s not. I hope and want to stay just as excited and focused. In my gut I feel like this is an opportunity my life was supposed to lead to. In the cliché it feels ‘meant to be’.
So there’s that! I got a new job and it’s starting soon and I’m thrilled.
On the flip side I feel so burnt out and tired emotionally and physically. I feel like 27 is a hard year. Just the other day I literally ate candy corn for lunch, afterwards I didn’t so much feel bad for the sugar high and lack of nutritional content as I just felt old (please note that I know 27 isn’t incredibly old but it’s very adult in age). I felt my real age of 27 and not my mental age of somewhere around 19-22. I realized that even though I don’t feel very grown up I am- and I need to start making better decisions for myself. Like maybe not eating candy for lunch or having that last glass of champagne or waking up approx. 16 min before I need to be somewhere. Or choosing TV over more important things. And, yes I really do choose cheesy teen TV shows over more important things. Sorry bout it.
In that moment I felt exhausted and I also felt like ‘of course’ you feel exhausted, you stay up way too late, only really intermittently eat healthy, zone out with TV or the computer and the list could really go on. Like, duh no wonder you feel like this!
On the brink of my new opportunity I feel like I’m ready to grow up a little more. Say no more often and make choices that will benefit me not just satisfy me. It’s hard, once you leave your parents house the cool thing about being an adult is you can do whatever you want but at a certain point you also have to actually grow up. It feels like a rut I’ve fallen back into- doing whatever I want and not what’s best for me. But it’s a rut that makes me feel scattered and run down. I need to really shake off this funk and get back to applying myself to my life, my work and to myself.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that life isn’t as laid out and simple as I once imagined (Who knew!). Especially for someone like me- I have a lot of thoughts, emotions, beliefs and past experiences that are constantly rolling around in my head. Those things make life a little more murky, it makes that rut feel more comfortable, but deep down I know it’s not right for me now and I’m ready to step up to life and really just put forth my very best effort.
I now understand the difference between being distracted and not trying and getting say an A- (an easy A) on a paper and really being disciplined and interested in learning and putting my best work forward and getting an A+. While there isn’t a huge difference in grade there is a huge difference in self respect and satisfaction in myself and my work. And now at age 27, I think the difference is worth it.
Who knew that 10th grade Biology could become a life lesson? I certainly didn’t but am grateful that those words have stuck with me all these years.
Thanks for sticking with me on this one, it was a novel!