Archive for September, 2012

paint my spirit gold

me as a baby sitting on some hay in too many clothes and with snow all over me.

 

Now, I know that it isn’t ‘Throw Back Thursday’ or ‘Flash Back Friday’ but I needed a little bit of a ‘happy’ lift this Monday evening. So please forgive my lack of following social structure for this oldie photo but I really needed it.

I love this picture, I look so confused and uncomfrotable which is prevcisicly how I feel right now. First of all, if I encountered you today on a personal level and came across upset or if I used the ‘fword// fuck‘ a few times I sincerly apologize. I should have contained myself.

Today I am blown away by life, by the fact that those who deserve things hardly every recieve those things and that much of life is us watching those undeserving people recieve and even flourish in that which was in essense meant for another person. This pill is NOT something that I can swallow, I don’t even know how to attempt it. It makes me mad, just plain mad bloody pissed. I am having to deal with this on a personal level and– to clairfy I do not feel like I am the person who was deserving, I am just witnessing the very undeserving person recieve that which they haven’t earned. I don’t get that, my mind cannot accept or wrap itself around it. How do I accept this fact of life and not let it make me bitter in the end?

Seriously, I am asking- if you have any past or present experience would you please leave a comment and let me know. Trust me I understand the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything” I am just appaled by life, that things unfold this way and frankly am dumbfounded at how I am to move forward. Do I let this go? To me that seems to just be ignoring the problem not addressing or proccessing this life truth. Do I dwell on it till I figure it out? I  don’t think that is the right thing either, I would be consumed and become way to philosophical for my own good.

I want to reference the quote I mentioned before from Theodore Roosevelt “It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, nows in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” -Citizenship in a Republic, Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

I have to beleive this quote- I just have too. To me this quote is hope that in the end, when it is the end the ‘righteous’ will be paid their dues. They will eventually be rewarded. I don’t mean this to come across that I think I am better for sitting by and watching those who I think* are undeserving rise up- but I believe that those who stumble and fail and have hardships are in the end rewarded far greater than those who recieved their crowns along the way.

What a lofty thought, you may or may not agree with me but like I have mentioned before- my story is my own it’s all I have and it was written for and by me, I own it. I own every sadness, every hardship and every success be them few and far between. I own my life and my choices and in my moment of anger and frustration I declare that I will just keep going in the hope of a great and wonderful reward in my future. I do not surround myself my those who fail or fall and never get back up, so why would I let such a insignificant thing push me down. I won’t.. I WON’T!

I’ll let it go every day and work hard every day, in this I turn from black to gold, from bitter to golden.

 

Love/Not So Love

I mentioned this on twitter but today I was Sunday’s boss, went to work, took a nap, cleaned up, cried myself through a documentary, cleaned some more, ran an errand, made dinner, ½ watched the Emmy’s and contemplated the meaning of the world.

I know, sometimes I even astonish myself in my gifted ways- HA who am I joking! Me saying I was Sunday’s boss was my sarcastic dry attempt to say ‘hey my Sunday was slightly below average!’

Here are some things I am loving and hating at the moment…

 

L-O-V-E

1. Tavi Gevinson http://www.thestylerookie.com/ http://rookiemag.com/

But most importantly this link: (if you can’t relate to Tavi in this clip then we really probably can’t be friends…sorry) http://www.hulu.com/watch/400304

2. Open windows, pretty sure every window in my house has been opened for the past 4 weeks. There is something a little magical about living next to the mountains and having all the windows opened in your house. If you don’t believe me well then frankly you are just missing out.

3. Joy the Baker and Smitten Kitchen: Joy seems like the most down to earth normal person ever- plus she has this super cute orange cat that she tweets about and takes pictures of. She reminds me that you can do what you love and be normal and not attempt for perfect. Smitten Kitchen is just all around great, I find myself wondering onto their site several times a week to find some kind of yummy sounding recipe.

Joy the Baker: http://joythebaker.com/

Smitten Kitchen: http://smittenkitchen.com/

4. Rose soap- enough said.

5. First Aid Kit- Lions Roar http://youtu.be/gekHV9DIjHc

 

NOT SO L-O-V-E

1. Passive Aggressive Behavior (PAB, my acronym)- but more so when someone comes across with a lot of ambiguity or is speaking cryptically: like when they create a feeling of insecurity in others (me) or of disguising their own insecurities.

2. Eggplant. Worst vegetable ever.

3. Honey Boo Boo and the movie The Master: both create this highly irritated feeling inside of me with a pang of pure disgust and disappoint in human beings. –Harsh but true. (When Honey Boo is mentioned in my presence my blood curdles.)

3. The fact that I press the snooze button 7 times before getting up on weekdays leaving myself with around 20 minutes to get ready.

4. The viewing, hearing or overhearing of political discussions involving people who have no business claiming they have the answers (aka: anyone on facebook, twitter or standing around the water cooler at work).

5. Not being in school. There I said it. I was good at being in school, got it down pat and actually liked it. One of my favorite things is listening and learning. I am not so much in love with not having school in my life or feeling like I am learning new things on a daily basis. I never thought I’d actually miss school, but I do- a lot. Learning from other people and wanting to learn from other people, I miss pondering the connection of things and putting my thoughts to paper or keypad.

 

There you have it and here I leave you. Here at the Fuller household some of us are barely holding their eyes open and some of us are wide awake working on school work and some of us are sitting at windows scoping out birds in the dark. I’ll let you figure out who’s who in there..

 

Cheers,

Xo

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt Citizenship in a Republic, Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

otherness.

I stumbled across this Ted talk today in a grasping effort for some privacy at work. For those of you who don’t know I work in a cubical with 7 other people- all of our job is to be on the phone or at the computer a-l-l-d-a-y. As an introvert and someone who finds the quiet to be a sanctuary… work can sometimes (all the time) be my version of hell. Recently I have taken to listening to pod-casts and or music while doing my e-mails or work on the computer, for me it has been a way of stealing back a little bit of that sanctuary(ness) in my very extroverted work day.

Today, I found this talk by Thandie Newton and honestly was totally blown away. Actually I’d rather say that this video changed my world. Being a Sociology major I kind of am geeking out about her thoughts and discussion of the “self” more than the average person- but that aside her talk was revolutionary.

I am going to have to watch it about 12 more times before I can even share a valid opinion about it but I wanted to share it on here in hopes that someone out there will have 14 free minutes to watch something really impactful and thought provoking.

For me my daily life can be very routine and mundane, I recently have been craving something that challenges me to think as well as something inspiring. So, thank you Thandie because this video did just that.

Hope you watch it and at least think even a small bit about how you and I can embrace our otherness and let go of our ‘selfs’.

xox- Jane