Archive for April, 2011

Sleepless Thoughts

Sometimes I think I fear contentment. I don’t think that’s normal. The majority of the time I tell myself that it’s normal to carry worry and to hold anxiety.  Secret is I think that’s a lie, I just haven’t figured out how to not live that way. I feel like my choices have lead me to the comfort of worry and anxiety so I might as well cozy up with them.

Today I was thinking about this and how I hold myself to a point scale, my goals are high my expectations higher and if anything is ever less it must be my fault. I don’t know if that kind of thinking is right, or really if it’s even healthy. I think that because I think this way more often than not I’m missing it… (life that is)

I’m not sure life is really supposed to be looked at, experienced or analyzed on a point scale, or really any scale at all. It seems to me that life is more like a quest than a scale, or a goal, or even a serious of success for failures. What if that was really what life was; a quest.  A journey we take our entire lives. Hopefully we pick up on the clues along the way that untimely will lead us to our own balance and our own sense of joy and peace. In a society that is so based on to do’s and accomplishments and status I don’t think I can’t even fully wrap my head around what I just said.

But, I want to try. I don’t think I need to leave it to figure all of this out I only need to commit myself to figuring it out. Everyday.

The things we go through whether they are good or bad experiences leave work for us to do either in the form of healing, rejoicing, reflecting, or moving on. I think that concept of the work it takes to live and grow has been spent on things less… meaningful efforts.

While I feel the mundane of my today are boring my soul to death I can only reassure myself that I am learning, growing and commit myself to that work. In this way whatever happens next I can be taking a step forward rather than back.

Quest as a noun means a search or pursuit made in order to find or obtain something; and as a verb it means to search or to seek. When I think about the word judgment I think of words like decide, settle, critically, estimate, infer, think, opinion, critic, determine, consider, regard.  It may just be me, but I don’t think life is supposed to be decided upon, settled for, critically looked at, estimated, inferred, constantly thought upon, opinion laced, critic judged, to be determined, considered, or regarded. I think at this point I am living my life more as judgment of myself than I am a quest to find myself.

I can only hope that by realizing this I can commit to myself the thought and patience to look at life differently, to look at is as something to be obtained. I hope I can learn to reflect, to remember that I am in search of something of purpose and that today does not limit my tomorrow.