All posts in real talk

angst

As I gently tap the keys unsure of what to write or how to start I am in a slightly better place than I was an hour or two ago. Anxiety is an ugly trait and something I hate. While I hate anxiety it is something that I have to live with especially on Sunday’s. I’ve been told that’s a classic trait of stress and not being in the right spot in life… (anxiety on Sunday’s). While it comforts me to hear it’s a trait that trained physicians are skilled in noticing- meaning I must not be the only one, I am still often stuck with this fear and anxiety on Sunday.

Don’t get me wrong; I have anxiety at all other times of life too. Usually it’s just not as bad as it is on Sundays. So, you may be reading this and feeling like I’m crazy and perhaps should just you know- take some anxiety medicine. BUT the point of this post is to express some of my true feelings on anxiety and the fact that I don’t want to just go get on anxiety medicine. My thought process feels as if medicine isn’t the answer and while medicine helps many people every day I feel that inside myself it’s not the answer for me. Sometimes that is hard to grasp because I’ve been raised in a society where instant fixes are gold.

 

Anyway- back to anxiety.

 

When I get really bad anxiety it’s almost like a choking feeling in my chest, I definitely stop breathing deeply and my mind kind of races. More than races it spirals into directions and future issues that aren’t yet real. That’s the silly part, logically I can explain to myself how I can’t predict the future and I just need to be in the moment but my body and mind just kind of do their own thing. It’s very confusing. Can you relate? Gosh, I do hope someone can relate… but to move forward. For my personal situation I feel as if my anxiety has a purpose- I feel as if… in some odd and twisted way it is a motivator to make me keep trying, keep moving towards the life I want. I don’t want to talk about the negative here but I don’t feel like career wise I’ve really hit my niche- and that’s tough. So, I feel like I have this anxiety to remind me to keep going and trying and pulling deep within myself to figure out what all that is and could be. I might be wrong and I could sound super naïve right now- and that’s okay because it’s just where I’m at with all of it.

After talking with a good, good friend actually one of my best friends about how I was feeling my mind calmed a bit and I was able to reflect on my situation and thought process. It was then that I thought what a unique (to me at least) idea of thinking about anxiety, what if it’s there to push us!  What if this horrible, crippling thing is actually inside of us to remind us that we can do better and that we deserve the best that we can imagine. That thought is worth gold to me. Seriously …

 

If I were in my most self-loving moment that thought would be worth the world… the thought that each of us deserve the life that we imagine. I am of the thought that society today can kill imagination and our uniqueness, that coupled with the mindset that money and status are all that matters I think we often put ourselves in a box. In a perfect world I think that we would see that life is about pursuing the things we love and that money and status R E A L L Y don’t matter or at least don’t deserve the pedestal we have placed them on. I also feel like fear wouldn’t be so heavy and we wouldn’t be so scared to risk it or try. But the world isn’t perfect and we are all just trying to do the best we can with what we have. So, in writing this I am honestly just coming from a place within myself and if you don’t relate or if I upset you please just disregard because we should only take from others that which resonates.

I’ve been taught that these certain things and life achievements will make me happy, I’ve been taught that, that is life. But what if is isn’t? What if that isn’t what life is really about, or what if that isn’t what life is about for me? Then what? Well then I feel very stuck in a society that doesn’t resonate with me and that’s very frustrating. It’s frustrating to not relate but then feel pressured by those things you don’t relate too.

The world is such a big and beautiful place and it’s full of so many more important things and people than what TV, magazines or even school tells me. I often feel sad with the mundane(ness) of my ‘good’ life because I feel as if I am missing out on some beautiful thing happening in the world. Does this make any sense? Ha-ha… I don’t know. I just feel so much more connected to things that are real and by real I mean something that I can’t really explain. I know that doesn’t help you figuring out what I’m trying to say here. For instance sitting here I am thinking about what people in a village in Peru are doing, I’m wondering if they experience this same Sunday anxiety that I do… I’m wondering if people in rural France get so worked up over the thought of a 5-day work week and if people if Africa even know what unthreatening anxiety is.

 

My problem is that I’d rather meet those people and learn from them than do the daily things that I must do that are considered normal for where I grew up.

 

Does this help explain where my anxiety comes from? I hope it does, I just feel a connection to the world at large and I struggle with the fact that I am not actually connected with it and the thought of risking financial standing or stability to experience it is totally looked down upon.

 

For me some of life’s most beautiful moments happened while experiencing other cultures and people who had a lot less than me or at least a much different life than me. It was beautiful because we experienced a real connection not a fabricated one. In those moments no one felt as if they needed to pretend to be someone they weren’t. Clothes didn’t matter, make-up didn’t matter, clean hair didn’t matter, saying the perfect thing didn’t matter… Even thinking about it makes my teary eyed.

I know that this might not connect with you, but it’s doing me good to get my thoughts out.  So, naïve or not I’m choosing to believe my weekly anxiety has purpose in my life and is pushing me towards whatever is next. This doesn’t make it easier to deal with… and I am often looking to others to see how they cope with it.

I decided today to share what I did that helped me out of my anxiety.

  1. I talked/texted with one of my best friends who understands where I am coming from and we just got to talk about it. We just talked about anxiety and she didn’t judge where I was coming from she just shared her similar experience and in hard moments I think that is the best thing- to just relate to one another rather than feel pity or try to give expert advice or try to fix the situation.
  2. I talked to Seth about some logical things I could do get help get rid of it; he is really good about letting feelings go quickly and doing some action steps to achieve that.
  3. I cleaned… the house. I find when I am really anxious I like accomplishing something so you know, doing the dishes, vacuuming, sweeping and washing windows can sometimes help.
  4. I put some candles on.
  5. I burned some piñon incense.
  6. I rearranged my computer station with some positive affirmations and moved a rose quartz crystal near by. (yes, I really think these things work. I have one next to my bed, one at work and now one next to my computer at home.)
  7. I made a fire. (by myself!)
  8. I made myself a mimosa.  (my favorite…)
  9. I listened to contemplative music.
  10. I forced myself to breath correctly and deeply. (it’s really amazing how much deep breathing can help situations…)
  11.  I used essential oils. (I mix them with coconut oil and put them on my hands, temples and under my ears.)
  12.  I wrote.
  13. I baked. I baked a healthy version of banana bread and oatmeal cookies. I know baking is supposed to be an exact science but for me it’s therapeutic and I definitely DON’T measure things out and it still turns out okay… so I guess I just get lucky every time.

These 13 things may not help you in a time of anxiety but I’d challenge you that the next time you do feel anxious to just take a step back, take a deep breath and then move forward with things that you know are comforting to you. Anxiety is a natural human feeling and like my friend told me today, “it’s really important to feel those things in life”- I agree with her. We need to feel and be okay with whatever feeling we have not just reach for an easy fix- but we must strive to not be engulfed by our feelings because before you know they pass and life hands you something beautiful.

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Lots of love to each of you and thanks for listening to me.

Xoxo

 

Jane.

life realization #63

Sometimes I find myself back on another ‘Sunday blues’ roller coaster of emotion.

 

I feel like sometimes I should wear a sign that reads- Buck Wild Emotions Here – or – No Emotions Here –

Extremes huh?

I know…but I can’t help it, or maybe I can and just don’t know how. I guess I’m just wanting some balance between the two or honestly just balance altogether.

 

Tonight while I’ve been in a foggy cold-induced haze I’ve had life realization number #63. I want alot but hardly take one step toward my want(s)—light bulb— how will I ever find balance or whatever else if I am to scared or busy to take a step towards my want(s)?

Sometimes I use my circumstance as a roadblock instead of a motivator or in more basic terms- kick in the ass. I can say that I’m tired, stressed, too busy but in the end those things just leave me stuck.

Instead of stuck I want… my wants. I also deserve my wants – so if I have the ability to attempt them, then in those moments I should just go for it (right? just jump in and figure and think it out later? please just agree…)

My circumstance/my life may at times be boring, chaotic, sad or wonderful, fun and energizing.

I need to remember that it’s just my experience and my opportunity to make my life my own. Free or at least attempting to be free of comparison.

Whoever said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ (Dwight Edwards and President Theodore Roosevelt; depending on which pinterest pin you found first) was TOTES right. It is.

So…..

Hi, My name is Jane and I am giving up comparison and replacing it with all that ‘seize the moment’ mumbo jumbo. Don’t worry though life, I won’t be perfect at it but now that I realize it I’ll try (alot) harder. OH, and life just don’t judge me if I throw a pity party for myself within 48 hours of this post (I’m still learning) or if I have to re-read my own words 48,364 times.

 

I’m sorta stubborn, thanks for understanding.

-xo

Jane

yeah.

I need some back up.

Here is the deal, I just need some reassurance that I shouldn’t follow up on something.

I shouldn’t go off and cut my hair into a chin length bob if the movtive behind doing it is my weepy emotional state of mind? RIGHT?

Or should I because that is some kind of small inner voice telling me to do something liberating. “Cut your hair, you’ll be free, strong and in charge of your life”. That’s a bunch of BS I didn’t hear that voice say that and I am sure I could think of a number of other things that would actually be more liberating than a new hair style.

I am going to have to go with not following my weepy emotional self quite yet and ponder the decision in a more rational state of mind.

Because honestly the last thing I need right now is to start looking like Celine Dion from the 1990’s.

P.S. I just spent 17 minutes ‘googleing’ and ‘binging’ Celine Dion and now I hate myself a little bit more and my weepy emotional state has just been made worse with Titanic references. “I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go” and then what does Rose do.. she lets go of Jack. Sigh…

 

The time I hated Bob Dylan AND why I might love vampires

Rediscover: Songs from my childhood

Do normal people hear cover’s of an old song and sort of stop dead in your tracks to let your mind rendezvous back to old memories?

Well, I am not particularly normal but I do this alot and most recently it happened with this cover by the Wailin’ Jennys –
Bright Morning Stars

 

When it first came on Pandora I stopped what I was doing and thought “I know this song”, after listening for a while longer I remembered the Emmylou Harris version from when I was little.

 

This took me back to the age of 5 and made me think of a few other songs that 1. helped shape my childhood and 2. make me realize now what good taste my parents had in music. I can remember hearing all of the following songs in my old house, I would be in the living room on a blue rug- twirling. Yes, twirling- I wasn’t an avid dancer as I child but I did love to spin in circles till I felt sick- go figure. Anyway, my parents used to listen to these songs on the record player (yes record player, they were hipsters before hipsters were hip!) and I would twirl away until one day, a day like today I realized how much these songs mean to me and how much they make me feel at home.

 

NOTE: as I child I am sure only the chorus stuck out to me, but as I revisited these songs today I wrote down the lyrics that I believe helped shape me and make me the person I am today.

 

Neil Young Heart of Gold
“I want to live, I want to give, I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold. It’s these expressions I never give that keep me searching for a heart of  gold” -I’d like to think that this song has given way to my epic desire for a heart of gold or in other words to treat others the way I want to be treated and just do right by all things. Oh, and yeah I am not perfect at that but it’s in my DNA to try really hard at this one. 

 

Emmylou Harris Bright Morning Stars
“Bright morning stars are rising day is a-breaking in my soul…they are down in the valley praying, day is a-breaking in my soul” -Not too sure what I thought of this song as a 5 year old, I probably thought it was a church song. I’d like to think that like it does today it gave me hope. Hope in a human beings deeper purpose in life. Since my life is a little mundane right now I can use all the hope I can get in this area- it could be the reason why I enjoy mystical creatures like vampires and songs like this- it gives me hope that there is some bit of magic to life. 

 

Bonnie Raitt Angel from Montgomery
“Just give me one thing that I can hold on to. to believe in this livin’ is just a hard way to go” -I am pretty sure that I was destined to be an ‘old soul’ even as a 5 year old, I remember loving this song and requesting it, after listening to the lyrics today I was a little blown away. I am sure my 5 year old self just liked Bonnie’s voice but these lyrics also stuck out to me. Which I mean come one how much more ‘old soul’ can you get then this. 

 

Bob Dylan Boots of Spanish Leather
“I got a letter on a lonesome day it was from her ship a-sailin’ saying i don’t know when I’ll be comin back again it depends on how I’m feelin’ “– Just to be clear I absolutely HATED Bob Dylan until I was like 22. I remember being dragged to one of his concerts when I was like 12 and feeling utterly embarrassed and so upset at my parents. Now I appreciate that I’ve basically grown up listening to this guy and even against my will some of his lyrics stuck. I remember listening to this song with my Mom in the car- I’d like to think that my wanderlust spirit stems from lyrics like these. 

 

The Beatles A Hard Day’s Night
“It’s been a hard days’ night and I’ve been working like a dog it’s been a hard days night I should be sleeping like a log” – NEVER MORE TRUE THAN RIGHT NOW #adultlife #rough Thanks Beatles you always have the right words to say. Also, my first crush was Ringo (because of his big nose) but then I ultimately fell for Paul (incase anyone wanted to know). Have you seen the movie they did “A Hard Day’s Night” or “Yellow Submarine”? Well they are the best and you should, in A Hard Day’s Night they have this bed that is dug into the floor and covered in pillows I coveted it as a small person. 

 

Doc Watson Froggie Went A-Courtin
“He took Miss Mousie right on his knee ah hah, And he says “Miss Mousie; would you marry me?” ah hah, ah hah, ah hah…..the first come in was a big June Bug ah hah- A-dancin’ around with a half-a-pint jug, ah hah, ah hah, a hah…– So this song I remember absolutly loving as a little kid, after hours of Bonnie Raitt, Van Morrison and Bob Dylan I would request the “Froggie Song”- I am pretty sure any little kid would love it. My favorite parts where when he asked Miss Mousie to marry him- duh totes obvi! and then I liked the way he said ‘June Bug’… I see know how easy it was to please me at 5 years old. 

 

I am a firm believer in such romantic notions that the music I was forced to listen to a thousand times by my parents in some way stuck and helped form certain views I hold on myself and on the world itself. Believe me or not, what songs take you back to your childhood and how do they make you feel today?

the broccoli soup episode

Just so everyone knows where I’m at in life, last night I tried to make broccoli soup.

For Context: I’d like to clarify that I’ve made broccoli soup before and I’m also starting a 3 week cleanse tomorrow involving eating lots of veggies, fruits and lentils. I am starting this cleanse tomorrow because when things in my life get hectic I like to feel in control of something and sometimes the only way I can do that is with small personal goals. Trust me, I get that this isn’t my best quality but I am aware that I do it and so that is just where I am at. January was a big month in which I had high hopes, my high hopes were not diminished but they were put on a bit of a hold with the [and I am going to just be flat out honest here] death of two relatives within a week of each other. Not to mention that this is the busiest time at work and I have had loooooooots of social interaction which sometimes leaves me feeling like a crumpled up paper bag.
Where was I- oh broccoli soup. So I don’t own one of those fancy immersion blenders that you can just put in your soup pot and ta da soup, so I poured my still pretty hot really hot soup mixture into the blender until it was just about full. I realize now this should have been a red flag but I pressed on anyway (in a very courageous way). I put the lid on, plugged it in and turned it on. EXPLOSION! hot broccoli soup mixture was all over me, all over my kitchen and my heart sank. From that point I proceeded to cry for 35 minutes. I don’t know how much you know about crying but 35 minutes is a pretty good amount of time. I think I scared Seth who quickly helped me clean up the mess and reassure me it was all okay…but onward the tears proceeded (in a very courageous way).
I decided to take a shower and just get ready for bed and eventually they subsided into something I can kind of  laugh about today. I’m not sure how your New Year, week, or day has been going but I wanted to reassure you and myself that we are all human and right now… well I’m at that point where my blender explodes full of broccoli soup and I cry about it for 35 minutes.
Isn’t it fun being a girl, Seth or any other guy I know would NEVER act that way. I guess us girls should think of that as a talent; the capability of holding onto every tiny miniscule frustration until one wrong move in the kitchen can cause a buck-wild episode of emotion that will not only scare any male in the perimeter but scare you as well.
Sigh, the joys of life. Ha-ha, tomorrow is a new day and for me will be filled with fruits and vegetables and water… looks like I’m setting myself up for success with this brilliant idea.
I’ll let you know how it ends up!
Ciao- xo
Jane

Harry Potter Changes Lives.

Here is what I have accomplished today, be prepared to be impressed.

 

Decorated the house for Christmas.

Decorated the house for Christmas while watching four Harry Potter movies.

Decorated the house for Christmas while watching four Harry Potter movies and drinking Mimosas.

 

BOOM. I know, I know… how do I do it?

 

Just messing with you all, I mean I really did do a 3 of the above but I am just being snarky in that they weren’t actually that great of accomplishments.

 

Too bad I can’t say this,

 

Went for a 13 mile run in 38-degree weather.

Went for a 13 mile run in 38-degree weather and saved 4 lost dogs.

Went for a 13 mile run in 38-degree weather and saved 4 lost dogs while single handedly giving $5 to every homeless or nomadic person I encountered.

 

Perfection isn’t real, or so they tell me.

 

P.S. It snowed here today and when Santa Fe is covered in snow it is magical, here is a picture of our humble abode and dreamy looking street.

 

paint my spirit gold

me as a baby sitting on some hay in too many clothes and with snow all over me.

 

Now, I know that it isn’t ‘Throw Back Thursday’ or ‘Flash Back Friday’ but I needed a little bit of a ‘happy’ lift this Monday evening. So please forgive my lack of following social structure for this oldie photo but I really needed it.

I love this picture, I look so confused and uncomfrotable which is prevcisicly how I feel right now. First of all, if I encountered you today on a personal level and came across upset or if I used the ‘fword// fuck‘ a few times I sincerly apologize. I should have contained myself.

Today I am blown away by life, by the fact that those who deserve things hardly every recieve those things and that much of life is us watching those undeserving people recieve and even flourish in that which was in essense meant for another person. This pill is NOT something that I can swallow, I don’t even know how to attempt it. It makes me mad, just plain mad bloody pissed. I am having to deal with this on a personal level and– to clairfy I do not feel like I am the person who was deserving, I am just witnessing the very undeserving person recieve that which they haven’t earned. I don’t get that, my mind cannot accept or wrap itself around it. How do I accept this fact of life and not let it make me bitter in the end?

Seriously, I am asking- if you have any past or present experience would you please leave a comment and let me know. Trust me I understand the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything” I am just appaled by life, that things unfold this way and frankly am dumbfounded at how I am to move forward. Do I let this go? To me that seems to just be ignoring the problem not addressing or proccessing this life truth. Do I dwell on it till I figure it out? I  don’t think that is the right thing either, I would be consumed and become way to philosophical for my own good.

I want to reference the quote I mentioned before from Theodore Roosevelt “It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, nows in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” -Citizenship in a Republic, Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

I have to beleive this quote- I just have too. To me this quote is hope that in the end, when it is the end the ‘righteous’ will be paid their dues. They will eventually be rewarded. I don’t mean this to come across that I think I am better for sitting by and watching those who I think* are undeserving rise up- but I believe that those who stumble and fail and have hardships are in the end rewarded far greater than those who recieved their crowns along the way.

What a lofty thought, you may or may not agree with me but like I have mentioned before- my story is my own it’s all I have and it was written for and by me, I own it. I own every sadness, every hardship and every success be them few and far between. I own my life and my choices and in my moment of anger and frustration I declare that I will just keep going in the hope of a great and wonderful reward in my future. I do not surround myself my those who fail or fall and never get back up, so why would I let such a insignificant thing push me down. I won’t.. I WON’T!

I’ll let it go every day and work hard every day, in this I turn from black to gold, from bitter to golden.

 

otherness.

I stumbled across this Ted talk today in a grasping effort for some privacy at work. For those of you who don’t know I work in a cubical with 7 other people- all of our job is to be on the phone or at the computer a-l-l-d-a-y. As an introvert and someone who finds the quiet to be a sanctuary… work can sometimes (all the time) be my version of hell. Recently I have taken to listening to pod-casts and or music while doing my e-mails or work on the computer, for me it has been a way of stealing back a little bit of that sanctuary(ness) in my very extroverted work day.

Today, I found this talk by Thandie Newton and honestly was totally blown away. Actually I’d rather say that this video changed my world. Being a Sociology major I kind of am geeking out about her thoughts and discussion of the “self” more than the average person- but that aside her talk was revolutionary.

I am going to have to watch it about 12 more times before I can even share a valid opinion about it but I wanted to share it on here in hopes that someone out there will have 14 free minutes to watch something really impactful and thought provoking.

For me my daily life can be very routine and mundane, I recently have been craving something that challenges me to think as well as something inspiring. So, thank you Thandie because this video did just that.

Hope you watch it and at least think even a small bit about how you and I can embrace our otherness and let go of our ‘selfs’.

xox- Jane