All posts in real talk

Real talk: Brene Brown

I had originally thought I would post a blog about Glossier today and how much I 1. love it and 2. think it does exactly what it claims… but then I got totally distracted by some clips of Oprah’s Lifeclass with Brene Brown. I’ve linked the video below and encourage you to spare 15 minutes to just listen to these 5 clips.

I admire Brene Brown and everything she puts out there I just totally eat up, it’s so on my level that sometimes I just gush about it. Learning about and talking about the unseen feelings and emotions of life just is my favorite thing.

I loved this quote from the class snippets when Brene talks about bravery. She says something along the lines of “You can’t do anything brave if your concerned with what people will think”.

She also address perfectionism and that was just like a shot through the heart for me. She refers to perfectionism as armor (20 ton shield) that we put on to protect ourselves. Brene says that the big 3 pieces of armor we use are perfectionism, numbing and foreboding joy. Here’s my favorite quote from the clip “when perfectionism is driving shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying backseat driver.” She goes on to say that we struggle with perfectionism in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame.  “Perfectionism is a way of thinking that says, If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame and ridicule… all perfectionism is, is the 20 ton shield we carry around hoping it will keep us from getting hurt. When in truth what it does is keep us from being seen” – I MEAN WOW!!!

It’s so interesting to me because sometimes I think I/we use perfectionism as a positive as a trait that lets people know we are good at something and that we don’t stop until something is right when in reality perfectionism is a trait we hide behind.

I know that initially watching, listening and enjoy Oprah’s Lifecalss or Super Soul Sunday’s kind of makes me sound like a middle aged women who lives with a bunch of cats. But, you should just give it a chance. I know it seems cheesy but there is so much goodness and wisdom in these videos.  I was poking around after watching these clips and realized that Brene has teamed up with Oprah to offer a 12 part online class which I’m thinking I’d love to take part in so may splurge the $70 to be apart.

So, real talk for today is Brene Brown. If you haven’t heard of her I highly recommend her books ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’  and ‘I Thought It Was Just Me’ she also has a G R E A T Ted talk that you can google if you have the time.

Cheers,

Jane

 

Real talk: Fear

Photo Ⓒ Brad Trone

 

There is one positive thing about spending an afternoon in tears. For me, like many, my eyes get puffy after a tear fest but for some miraculous reason they look good, the puffiness makes my eyes pop in a way that feels like it’s the worlds tiny gift for my emotions.

I had a really rough day yesterday and it left me wondering about so, so many things. If I’m normally introspective and adrift in my own thoughts when I cry and am emotional it’s about 10 times more intense.

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about anxiety and how for me it’s so very rooted in fear. It steams from fear of certain things and causes fear, sometimes debilitating fear. I read that when we are experiencing fear that most important thing to do is to act. We need to just move forward with any kind of action because fear itself causes idleness.

I’m so scared of idleness, of the thought of complacency that sometimes I can’t move forward. It’s so hypocritical. I’m so hypocritical. I’ve realized that I’m so stunned with my own fear of not achieving that I’m … not achieving. I’m not really giving things 100%. I’m merely preoccupying myself.

I am the master at filling my minutes, hours and days with the busy work of life and accepting the busyness as achievement. Conquering busy doesn’t deserve an award or our whole society would get one.

It takes so much guts to go after what you want especially as a twenty something year old who really has no idea what they are looking for. I envy those people who seem like it all just clicked so early for them. I could fake it and make it seem like my world has clicked for me, but it hasn’t. I’m reminded in this season of my life that things take time. Time takes time. To each there own. Persistence, loyalty, joy and dedication matter more in the long run then how quick you found your finish line.

Can I just repeat that to myself 342 times a day… “Persistence, loyalty, joy and dedication matter more in the long run then how quick you found your finish line”

Two other phrases that have been helping me out this month are “get okay with it” and “destiny is demanding”.

I need the reminder that life isn’t peaches and rainbows it’s about hard work strung together with humility and grace. Say yes to more of the right things, stop hanging out with negative people, be more in the moment, cook good food, sleep enough, take long walks, ask questions and have goals. I’m trusting the rest will just fall into place when it’s supposed. The timing of life is just that, the timing of life and I just want to set aside my fear and be up for the surprise.

real talk: decluttering

Hi, I don’t know about you but lately I’ve been in the mood to just GET RID OF STUFF.

Morris

Somewhere between moving out of my parents house at 17 and living in 6 different places in 4 states I’ve accumulated some stuff. Some of it came with me from high school and I mean this in the most real way possible. Ain’t nobody got time for that. High school me and 27 year old me are different and thank god! I’ve decided to get rid of that persons junk and embrace simple living.

Apart from me wanting to rid myself of my high school and early 20’s I just really want less stuff. Fewer quantity and higher quality. Bye-bye forever 21 everything and hello nothingness until I can afford it! Bye-bye Texas Country concert t-shirts, nail polish that might be 10 years old and large mix match collection of about 5 boxes of colored pencils. It was great while it lasted but we are over.

Here are the top 5 decluttering principals I’m trying to live by from here on out.

1. Stop bringing stuff in. De-cluttering and simplifying your life will be the biggest waste if you just keep replacing the old with new. I’ve determined to get rid of the excess and buy less.

2. Go through one thing a day. Making decluttering a gradual process will help make it not feel like a totally overwhelming thing. I’ve determined to go through one area of my house till I’ve accomplished the whole thing. I may save bigger areas like my closet for a weekend while I can easily sort out the medicine cabinet on a Tuesday.

3. Do not keep things because you feel guilty. As a reminder your home or your space should only contain the things you love or use. Don’t keep things out of obligation or guilt. If you do not love it and you do not use it find another home for it. Do not be afraid to let things go. The urge to hold on to items we think we might need or wear again is real. But, do clothes from when I was 18 really serve me as a 27 year old. No, no they don’t. Either does the build up of crafts and make-up from back then.

4. Have a disposal plan. Before you start the decluttering process research and decide if recycling, donating, selling is right for you. It won’t serve you if you make give away piles that sit in your basement for 3-6 months. Go through things and then get rid of them.

5. Don’t let ‘stuff’ be a time suck on your life. Everything you own takes some time from your life. The time you spent shopping for it, cleaning it, maintaining it, staring at it wondering why you have it… I’ve determined to sacrifice less of my life on the pursuit of material things.

-xox

Jane

Real talk: aggression

I’ve had some thoughts mulling around in my mind over the weekend and I woke up to read this article about something Stephen Hawking was quoted on recently. “The human failing I would most like to correct is aggression”  “It may have had survival advantage in caveman days, to get more food, territory or a partner with whom to reproduce, but now it threatens to destroy us all.”

It threatens to destroy us all. Wow. Just think about that for a moment.

The fact that when Stephen Hawking was asked what human trait he would most like to change… and he responds with aggression. My mind is literally blown.

This thought was so perspective shaking to me because I’ve recently been thinking about emotional hurt/pain and the trauma that comes along with that. I recently had to address some of my past emotional hurts. In the end it was so resolving, which was about a total opposite from what I had expected. It honestly was almost pleasant. In my head I thought about this experience being painful and causing bad memories to resurface but in the end it left me feeling more whole, more okay and more resolved in my own head with those past hurts.

Photo © Brad Trone

Photo © Brad Trone

 

When I read this short article about Hawking, it just clicked for me. Aggression equals pain and hurt either emotional or physical. Any time a human being acts out in aggression (in today’s world) the likelihood of that aggressive expression hurting someone else or even themselves is tremendously high.

When I think back to the significant hurtful moments in my life they all stemmed from someone or myself acting out in aggression.

That’s fascinating to me, something that used to be used for our survival now is a root cause of dysfunction. Perhaps this is why it’s sometimes just unavoidable.

I love that Hawking has the ability to see through time, to see through bullshit and call it as it is… like every time. I admire that and him so much.

For me realizing that my emotional wounds started out as a the flawed human trait of aggression makes forgiving them (people) so much easier. It makes forgiving myself easier. Over the weekend I realized that for the most part no-one wants to create a horrible situation for another person, for the most part no-one wants to or enjoys hurting other people. Seeing and feeling that, experiencing the goodness of another person despite past hurts, it’s life changing. It’s affirming and it makes so many things seem okay now. Instead of isolation it’s a reminder of our connectedness to each other. Pain has a funny way of making you feel like you’re all alone, but empathy, empathy has a way of reminding you that’s the biggest lie.

I feel like this wall around my heart was washed away and that fresh air can get in there now.

Even though human aggression is not going to go away anytime soon realizing that my pain stemmed from it and not necessarily another person makes the world up here on my shoulders feel much lighter.

I think Hawking could be right, aggression threatens to destroy us all. It threatens to destroy us by the burrowing bitterness it can cause when kept a secret, wether we are the ones acting on aggression or having aggression acted out to us. Harboring the pain that causes will just eat away at our hearts and when bitterness sets in, empathy is gone. Hawking says “We need to replace aggression with empathy, which brings us together in a peaceful loving state”.

For me true forgiveness came with learning and really seeing for myself that both aggression and empathy can live in the same person. And wherever empathy is love is also.

 

Here’s the super short article – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/23/stephen-hawking-aggression_n_6733584.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

And a few quotes for good measure

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
― Leo Buscaglia

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
― Brené Brown

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”
― James Baldwin

 

I exist.

Hi,

I’ve written and scratched out this sentence about 14 times, but I’ve had all of these words in my head for years. I wanted to first re-introduce myself to you. I feel like, perhaps we don’t know each other as well as I’d hoped. I feel like, perhaps the Internet, social media has portrayed me in a way that might be fake. This might have been my doing, this might be the social media conspiracy BUT I felt like I wanted to explain myself a little bit better. I want to me more real and honest.

My name is Andrea Jane; In face to face life I go by Andie and on here I go by Jane. Jane was my grandmothers’ name and Andrea was 2nd best to Bridgette, which I was not named because my Mom felt Bridgette Britt just didn’t sound right. I’m currently 27 years old, I’m married and I live 4-5 hours away from my hometown. I’ve lived in 3 different states since leaving high school and I’ve traveled to 5 different countries and lots of different states.

I’ve ran a marathon and then vowed to never run more than 6 miles in my life. I’ve eaten pigs ears and have been held at gunpoint in Mexico. I’ve had the chance to see the sunset over the Caribbean ocean multiple times and I’ve smoked a cigarette on the steps of the Piazza del Duomo, in Firenze.

When I type all of this out, it sounds interesting but most days I don’t feel interesting. Most days I feel defeated and a little crummy (but I’m working on it). You see there was a point in my life, in high school when I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I remember feeling like my bones and insides were aching with the amount of hatred I held for myself. I allowed a series of events and decisions to affect me to the point where I felt like I didn’t deserve well…anything. This lead to a lot of self-hatred, which lead to a lot of harmful personal decisions that had a lot to do with body image. So, I’ve also dealt with an eating disorder and excessive exercise, depression, guilt, and the general loss of self-esteem.

 

Once I was able to really process all of those feelings from high school I was able to let things go and really step forward into life. It was those dark and scary things that in the end really pushed me towards a much more adventurous and loving life. One of the biggest things that woke me up from all of that, was the moment I realized I deserved the life I had dreamed of, I deserved the adventure. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of good and bad and fun and scary things, but since the moment I realized I deserved it, I committed to becoming a curator of a beautiful life. The curator to MY beautiful life. So this is why I blog, this is why I post pictures on Instagram, why I post funny, inspirational or random things on Facebook and Twitter. It’s why I try to make our house a home, why I try to make every meal as special as I can and celebrate as much and as often as I see fit. I feel like I deserve a beautiful life, that we all deserve a beautiful life – whatever that looks like and I’m just devoted to making mine the best that I can.

Somedays seeing the beauty of things is hard. I’m introverted, I hold myself to an extremely high standard and I’m very sensitive. I’m also determined and passionate, altruistic, creative and insightful. I wanted to share with you my thoughts and some moments of my true self. This is the first ‘creative’ project I’ve done since sophomore year in college and that was a personal essay. It’s a big step and I’m still not sure if it all worked out but I felt the need to make and share it nonetheless.

I want you to understand that I’m not as perfect (as much as I try everyday to be), I fail a lot. I don’t have extra finances that allow me the luxury of high fashion or globe trotting- but I do value style and travel and work hard to make that a part of my life. I get home from work and feel exhausted but still want to make dinner and make it well because Seth and I deserve that. I choose to celebrate the small things because honestly I’m just happy I can face my own face in the mirror. This year I’m hoping for more good days than bad, but I also really understand that the bad parts are unavoidable – I accept that. I want to put forward a more authentic version of myself in all that I do. Not one that looks happy on the outside but one that is joyful through tears because honestly it’s only the people like that, that I can connect to. Like really connect to and this year in 2015 I hope to connect to more people like that. Meet people where they are at, just sit together in the knowingness of what was and the possibility of what might be. I miss that in my life and it’s interesting to see what a gift that is, the gift of hard times.

Words mean so much to me and while I share them often I want to share my favorite poem. It’s been with me for awhile now and I’ve memorized it to help me see more hope on darker days.

 “I exist as I am, that is enough,

If no other in the world be aware I sit content,

And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.” ― Walt Whitman

 

Here is a video I made with Seth, I wanted to develop this concept to bring Walt Whitman’s words to life the way I feel them- with much anxiety and angst but joyful content in waiting. I was lucky enough to be married to a guy who can both film and write music. It’s amazing to see something that was in my head come to life.

Jane The Philosopher – I Exist from Seth Fuller on Vimeo.

Here are some photographs that Brad Trone took. (I’ve known him since I was… like 8, we’ve shared a many a Sonic runs and car rides listening to loud music and turn out he grew up to be a pretty dope photographer) My hope was to show you who I a really am. Apart from any selfie or great shot on my profile picture these emotions, this is who I am everyday.

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how to deal with anger and not burst into tears.

i was thinking of the word anger and what it really means. like, what does it mean to really be angry? a common definition relays the feeling to annoyance and displeasure. that seems right, i do feel both of those things while ‘angry’ but why do we feel that way towards others or situations, why do we care? i did a little follow up and when we express/feel anger we are using the limbic system in the brain and not the cerebral cortex. the cerebral cortex is the thinking part of our brain while the limbic system is basically our emotional center.

when we experience life around us our brains send that incoming data to our amygdala- it’s there that it is decided if it gets sent to our emotional centers or to our cerebral cortex. if any of the incoming data triggers an emotional response the decision to move to the cerebral cortex is overridden an the information is kept in our limbic system (emotional center).

when this happens that part of the brain feels hijacked and a flood of hormones  are released- this causes a person to move into flight or fight mode. it can take on average 20 minutes before a person can become calm again.

WOW. i’m not sure if i knew this stuff before and have forgotten or if i am just learning it now- but this totally makes me want to deal with (and feel more capable of dealing with) any and all of my emotional triggers, so that minor daily things don’t send my body into fight or flight mode.

10 big emotional triggers that even marketing teams try to attack or attract us with are:

1. fear          6. competition

2. guilt         7. instant gratification

3. trust         8. leadership

4. value        9. trend-setting

5. belonging       10. time

 

while i was taking a close look at this information i felt more empowered that i am capable of stopping anger before it goes to far. i hate the way anger makes me feel and often times i could go on and on in circles with it finding it hard to let go. i feel empowered to be aware if someone or something is trying to make me feel one of those 10 ways- to sit back analyze what kind of place that is coming from (healthy or not) and stop it from triggering an emotional response.

it’s ‘cool’ for me to realize that there are points in our accepting and processing of life where we can choose to help ourselves, to be mindful (now that word makes so much more sense) and not to send our bodies and mind into hyperdrive.

the other thing we need to be mindful of is not using our ‘triggers’ as an excuse and not allowing them to turn us into victims of situations. for this i think it’s supers important to be aware but not engrossed in our triggers/emotions.

“our brains create powerful associations between things that hurt us and whatever happened to be occurring when we got hurt.” Martha Beck

so our triggers help explain not excuse.

“it makes us responsible for recognizing triggering situations so we can change our unconscious reactions.” Martha Beck

today after thinking, reading and writing about this mindfulness has taken on a whole new and better understanding for me. it was as if a light bulb went of ‘like whoa… it all makes more sense now’. i now feel so much more capable to try and master my anger, even anxiety with mindfulness. i a committing myself to start by repeating these loving-kindness phrases whenever anything comes up.

“may i be healthy. may i be happy. may i be free of suffering.” I’m confident that over time extending kindness to myself in emotional moments will help me reduce unwanted emotions that can lead me into more hard core anxiety.

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courage

Courage is a funny thing. It’s scary and brave at the same time.

Normally I like to feel one emotion at a time and often reject to feeling two, especially two that are so opposing. While I sat with both of these feelings early this morning I realized that as different as they are, they are also the same and I understood the fact that I don’t think I could have one without the other. It dawned on me that… that everyone felt both scared and brave when  acting on courage they were just more comfortable with holding both opposing feelings, it almost spurred them on. While for me, up until this point the two feelings tore me apart.

It’s weird to suddenly embrace feelings you’ve tried to push away for so long, I thought to myself ‘does this mean my whole life I’ve been trying to be have courage and my mind rejected it’ did I shut my own self down when my intuition was telling me something else because I couldn’t cope with two opposing feelings?

A little overwhelming isn’t it? I’m  glad I had this moment of brightness and realization today because I do feel I’ll need all the courage I can  muster up to be and become me and live the life I want and I honestly think that’s true for everyone. It’s cool though because once I embraced feeling scared it sort of went away and turned into hope and excitement.

“But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, “Courage, dear heart,” and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan’s, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.”C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I was reminded of this quote from C.S. Lewis, I love it and most people know the part that says ‘Courage, dear heart’ but I love that he ends it all with “and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face”. I think it was the smell of freedom  and empowerment. Sometimes we just have to breath, trust, let go and… let life happen and that must be the sweetest smell of all.

 

 

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(photo from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/katyaford/5744200854/in/photostream/)

anticipation

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Anticipation is something I know everyone deals with but for me it’s one of the most unbearable feelings I go through. It’s as if I revert back to being 6 and am totally unable to sit still or have normal emotions before say something like… my birthday party. I can distinctively remember the fact that before my birthday I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sit still, I threw little fits about things, I couldn’t control my emotions (I’d be happy then sad then bored etc…) I’d also give myself stomach aches so on top of all the waiting I couldn’t eat either. Well… add 20 years and nothing really has changed.  I’m still that girl, except for maybe the fact that I’ve learned to hide my feelings a tiny bit better.

What am I anticipating you might add? Well 2 big things to be exact- one of them being the fact that in 61 days my husband, Seth is graduating with is BFA! The second is that in 75 days we are going on a long over due vacation to Ireland/Scotland. To say that I’m excited is basically the understatement of the year. I’m thrilled and literally cannot focus or sit still already and I still have a few weeks to get through.

Today I was thinking about my lack of focus and internal anxiety about these events and just wanted to understand anticipation a little bit more. Anticipation can be one of life’s better feelings or in a practical since I feel like it should be—I mean if you think about it most* of the time when you are anticipating something, that something is a good thing, a great thing, a goal you are waiting to accomplish etc…so if anticipation normally is such a good thing why then is it so distracting to my everyday life? Is this just my personality? Am I daydreaming about it too much? Am I putting expectation where it shouldn’t be? Why am I looking forward to these things so much that… I find it hard to get through my day in a productive manner?

I realized that for me anticipation is the thought or belief that some one thing is the beginning of expected relief. — which is both good and bad. It’s good to have things that keep us going and things we look forward to like vacations, times with friends/family. I believe that things like that are stepping stones to get us moving forward-we have to have timelines and goals for what we want. I also think it’s a bad thing because…  I personally am striving to create a life that I don’t have to escape from. So, I realized today that goal of mine hasn’t taken root yet, and I’m not living a life I don’t need a ‘break’ from.

And that’s okay. It’s okay for today because that’s what it is. I can’t change that over night but I think becoming aware of the root of my anticipation has opened my perspective a little bit more-and I really needed that.  I have to understand the foundation of things before I can take actions to move forward and today was a lovely reminder of how interesting and comforting it can feel to ask yourself questions and then find your own answers. Realizing that my lack of focus wasn’t entirely due to my anticipation was a relief. I can now think about these upcoming events as much as I want and just be plain excited. I can also, realize where I may be lacking in some focus/discipline and just plain work ethic is also something I can work on. I plan to work on this by being present each day, allotting myself a certain part of my day for planning my future and apart from that being committed to the moment.

 

One of the things I’ve learned and have been trying to work on recently is treating each day/moment as a gift and in that doing the best I can do to have the attitude needed in whatever situation I’m presented with. For me worrying about past, present, future things can be t o t a l l y draining and leave me feeling dead.

So here are some of my actions steps that help me stay present and I know I will definitely need to work on for the next 61-75 days!

 

  1. Focus on my breath: I tend to be a super shallow breather when I get overwhelmed so I try to make sure I’m breathing deeply throughout the day especially before doing things I don’t necessarily like, like responding to 72 e-mail. I also practice mindful breathing before meals and try to always do 3 solid breaths before eating.
  2. Reminders: I personally love quotes so at my office at work, on my phone and at home I have little reminders that help bring me back to the present moment. Sometimes other people like to put reminders in their phone or wear a piece of jewelry that reminds them to be present.
  3. Be aware of your senses: one of the best things I’ve ever learned with dealing with anxiety is this; what do you see, what do you hear, what do you feel. In moments where I feel like TOTALLY overwhelmed/anxious I do this. Those moments where my breathing gets very fast I feel hot, my mind is racing, I want to cry- yeah those times.  By realizing your surroundings it brings you back to the now and it’s honestly a little crazy how everything just calms down after that.
  4. Do 1 thing at a time: I am not good at this one but I’m trying. For instance sometimes I head over to the gym for my lunch break and on the way back I find myself like walking as fast as possible, I have to remind myself that ‘right now I’m walking to just walk’ I also remind myself when I’m doing something tedious like filing paperwork. I personally need the reminder that it’s okay for me to be doing just 1 thing, to take my time. My mind almost always is trying to race to the next thing and the reminder to slow down feels like a gift sometimes.

 

Cheers friends and good luck with this week.

-xox

defeat.

defeat.

i’ve been avoiding writing this post for a few days now because i felt like i didn’t have my thoughts all sorted on the subject. and to be real honest i still don’t.

i understand that feelings are fleeting but lately i have been feeling so defeated by e v e r y t h i n g.

i know it’s a little cheesy to write with the definition of the word but because i have been feeling so defeated i wanted to see what the word exactly meant- to you know see if i was mislabeling my feelings.

 

the definition for defeat is to ‘win a victory over someone’ and the word defeated means ‘having been beaten’. hmm…

you see the cool thing about definitions is that it gives you a little more context and a little bit of a different perspective. once i read those i decided that if i did indeed feel defeated it was only because i was letting myself feel that way not because anything or anyone had actually defeated me. i have been defeating myself.

don’t you hate that? i seriously (X 100) am my own worst enemy. do you see what i’ve done? i’ve basically been torturing myself for the past week because i kept telling myself i was defeated when there was no reality in it.

 

have you ever done this? do you ever feel like your own worst enemy?

i think the hard part is the fact that i’m really introverted meaning i like to think in my head more than i like to share out loud – thus thoughts like these can live inside for very long periods of time.

to help counteract this here are some antonyms for defeat:

accomplishment

achievement

mastery

victory

boon

success

win

surrender

yielding

attainment

 

if i were to be really honest with myself and with you, i’d have to say that i’m much more in tune with those words then i am with letting people or my environment lord over me.  why is it then that i so easily accept the negative over the positive– because in all honestly i’m kind of winning at adult life and while my situation isn’t perfect i’m doing pretty alright. for some reason i can’t admit that to myself most of the time and i just don’t want to accept that any more.

it’s only through reflection, questioning and action that we can make a change and while this is a minor one I am thrilled to shift from such a defeated attitude to one of accomplishment and success.  “like attracts like” so good riddance defeat and hello achievement. i have big plans for 2014 and i don’t need to be taking cigarette breaks (no I don’t actually smoke) with defeat. ain’t no body got time for that.

there you have it, i hope this helps you get out of your head a little bit and shift perspectives. i know i REALLY needed the reminder that i’m doing pretty okay.

 

a good friend shared this song with me today and i thought it was so fitting to the thoughts of being defeated. you may hate/love this song but it’s definitely my kind of music because at heart i’m really just a barefoot dust bowl baby. (what?!) it’s true.

plus- it’s like a really great video right? yum.

cheers people and cheers to my new favorite thing of cutting negative people, thoughts and things from my life.

 

basket case.

i feel like a basket case on the inside.
today was one of those days where i tried really hard to have it all go perfectly and then boom it didn’t, it didn’t go good and it wasn’t perfect. don’t you hate that?! i feel like that is always my intent on a monday, to try really hard to keep things calm and positive because i mean there are like 4 more days left in the work week. well today didn’t go that way at all… it was horribly difficult and i wanted to be a basket case on the outside.
the 26 year old adult in me held it together and kept it inside but then you know i thought … that probably isn’t the greatest thing either. and then i felt stuck, stuck with how i felt and how i wanted to feel, what i wanted to do and what i had to do.
i’m not sure if you have ever felt those feelings but they are tough to ignore.
it’s days like today that i’m reminded that i am an adult and that sometimes i don’t know how to be. i really haven’t learned how to eat my feelings. haha, i know that sounds weird but it was my best description. sometimes i feel things so deeply that i can’t ignore them and in my head i feel like a true adult has mastered this. lately i’ve been feeling like “yeah i totally understand the terrible two temper tantrums” – and that is crazy right?! but i do. i get it, when your little you are stuck in this weird non communicative state and only are able to go off of what you want or feel. so when things don’t go your way you sit, fall, fling, collapse down and flail about- there are tears and loud sobs and heightened feelings.
well people i feel like doing just that- on the inside but understand that it’s socially acceptable to NOT do this at all or ever on the outside. so i mean at least i’ve mastered that part but what do i do with all that on the inside? do you know? because right now i don’t besides the option of having it eat away at my soul little by little… (too dramatic?)
anyway, i probably sound like i’m whining and i sort of am but really HOW DO ADULTS IGNORE THEIR FEELINGS. i need to know, for a friend of course.
please let me know asap or else i fear my heart will become a black hole of nothingness.
again, i’m being too dramatic i’m sorry. i’ll just go back to hugging my cat and hoping for world peace.
afterlight-1
p.s. i love pajamas- what’s it to you?