I haven’t known what to say to you in about 6 months. I’m sorry. I’m really only sorry because I value consistency and I have not been consistent. The thing is, I feel like a hot mess. I’m trying to cope with more tea and less wine, more quite time and less mindless activities. I’m trying to be an adult but my mind often wanders everywhere but where it’s supposed to be.
Have you ever taken a big leap? Like, a leap in a very personal way? Have you ever bargained with your conscious and locked up your negativity to the hope of a newness and success? Well, I have and in lots of little ways I failed. I failed and I got scared so… I put those (silly) dreams away, locked them up tight in favor of the normal 9-5 life. The hardest part of it all is acting like I’m still worth those dreams that I’ve sealed back up. Logically I know that I’m worth it, I know that by just being me I’m worthy of love and happiness and success but… there’s a place inside that doesn’t buy it. And that’s the hardest thing to live with day in and day out. It’s confusing too in a way that it’s hard to let myself feel inspired or moved by things in fear that it might unlock those dreams again.
I see my creativity and inspiration trying to leak out in little ways like getting teary at commercials, enjoying the perfect sunset a little bit more or feeling moved by the generosity of others, whenever I start to really be moved by something, anything I try to just hide those feelings and thoughts away.
The hardest thing to realize is that while circumstance can be beneficial or not, good or bad, confusing or joyful…I’m the one that failed myself. The circumstance didn’t and doesn’t really matter but any failing that happened had much more to do with me and what I believe to be true about myself.
That’s a tough thing realize when your 28 because I always thought I’d have it figured out by now. I realize, I’m not sure if we ever have it figured out but if I do want to both live a life of love and love myself I have to start acting like I’m not my own worst enemy. I kind of have to step of up to the plate. Success is scary to me, scary because you could not succeed. I’d like to start thinking my dreams and my inspired thoughts aren’t silly and put a little more faith and grace towards them and me… just to see what happens and where it all takes me.
I haven’t known where to start with so many things, I over think it and in the process I stall. I have no idea how to stop doing that but going into 2016 I’m going to try my hardest to just go for it… whatever it is.
“Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning.” – Sylvia Plath
Song that’s on repeat right now: Delicate, Damien Rice